Look, I just do not understand Teen Wolf AT ALL, okay. And I’m not asking anybody to explain the plot to me or whatever, because i know that shit never makes sense, but this is the part I just don’t get, right? Like these people are NOT AFRAID TO LURE US IN WITH HOTNESS. It’s like easily 75% of their marketing strategy. They’re like “Hey watch our show, sometimes we cover Tyler Hoechlin in baby powder and it’s awesome!” THIS STRATEGY TOTALLY WORKS. IT IS WORKING FOR THEM. AND FOR ME PERSONALLY. I AM HAPPY TO ENJOY THEIR GIFTS OF NUDITY OKAY.
So I don’t understand why they’re ruining it with this:
It’s like somebody on the production team is thinking, “Hey fuck you casting department, you gave us actors who are TOO HOT and it’s MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF. We need to balance out their hotness somehow. I KNOW WE’LL MAKE THEM LOOK STUPID.”
And sure, I get that maybe you want your “monsters” to look kind of monstrous, except these guys are also our protagonists. (THE BITE IS A GIFT SCOTT. SCOTT, WE ARE WOLF BROTHERS.) I’m not saying they ought to express the monster within by sparkling in the moonlight or some shit, but I don’t get how anybody goes from wereWOLF to SOMETHING THAT LOOKS NOT AT ALL WOLF-LIKE REALLY. The brow prosthesis and the sideburns are seriously not helping with that. They do not look scary, they look hilarious. And in that last photo there Derek does not look like a wolf, he looks like… I dunno, a really pissed off lemur.
SETTLE DOWN THERE, LEMUR DEREK. DON’T BE SUCH A SOURLEMUR.
Like okay, we know that these guys can go werewolf and still look hot. Exhibit A:
Huge scary teeth: CHECK. Bad-boy style leather jacket: CHECK. Glowing red eyes to look all menacing and shit: CHECK. STILL HAS FUCKING EYEBROWS: CHECK.
PLUS, when all you’re doing is teeth and eyes you can totally save time and money by completely eliminating the more complex make-up process. And as an added bonus, you can stop perplexing viewers with the bigger questions about your werewolves, like for instance:
- How come they have big weird brow ridges like Buffy vampires? THAT’S NOT EVEN WOLF-LIKE. Like are werewolves supposed to look like wolves or like cro-magnon man?
- What’s with the muttonchops? Did werewolf genetic fashions just stop dead in like the 19th century or something?
- How did they even manage to make any of these people look unattractive like I thought that was impossible WHAT IS THIS WITCHCRAFT?
- WHY IS TYLER HOECHLIN THE ONLY ONE WHO DOESN’T HAVE EYEBROWS AS A WEREWOLF? HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHOSE HUMAN EYEBROWS ARE THE STUFF OF LEGENDS. IT MAKES NO SENSE.
And furthermore, how come movie werewolves never have any fucking fur? Actual wolves are kind of well-known for their seriously bad-ass double-layered super-warm coats, so how come werewolves never get that? They ought to at least get a single layer of fur, I mean come on, they’re running around naked here. Why do they always look like giant brown dogs with mange? Is it because of the chest-waxing? I bet that’s super-embarrassing. Like they’re out running on the full moon and the other wolves are like “Hey man why are you so cold? What’s wrong with your luxurious coat?” and they have to admit that they waxed their chests because it looks better when they’re doing one-armed push-ups in the burnt-out remains of their former family dwellings. Like I WANTED MY CHEST TO BE BARE AND BLEAK JUST LIKE MY SOUL.
I’M JUST SAYING, TEEN WOLF, LOOK AT YOUR LIFE, LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES.
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CONGRATS YOU ACTUALLY MADE TYLER HOECHLIN UNATTRACTIVE. WELL PLAYED.
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